Rumours have been swirling overnight that Donald Trump is set to announce that he will no longer be running for President. Furthermore, he will be seeking plea deals in his pending trials in which he is asking for all charges to be dropped in exchange for remaining on house arrest for the rest of his life. Furthermore, he will no longer have internet or phone access.

Those close to him say that this stunning turnaround occurred while he was attending Easter Sunday services. He is supposed to have told aides, after the service,

“Here I am selling bibles at $60 a shot and I can’t even recite the Lord’s Prayer. I am so ashamed.”

This is early hours, so more details will come out.

Happy April 1st.